Roots & Routines

I remember a few weeks after having my daughter, once everyone had already met her and the excitement of the “new baby” phase had worn off, reality hit hard. The house was quiet except for the occasional newborn cries, and I was running on maybe two hours of broken sleep. My hair hadn’t been washed in days, I was surviving off of coffee and drinkable yogurts. I couldn’t remember the last time I had eaten an actual meal while it was still hot.

It was a Friday night — the kind I used to spend laughing with my friends over fall drinks — and I sat on the couch in milk-stained pajamas, bouncing a fussy baby who wouldn’t sleep. My phone sat silent on the table. I hadn’t heard from my friends in weeks, and the loneliness started to seep in. I loved my baby fiercely, but I couldn’t help feeling like the world had moved on without me.

No one really prepares you for that part of motherhood — the way your social life slows down to a crawl while everyone else seems to keep living theirs. You suddenly feel like you’re on the outside looking in, and it can feel isolating, even if you’re surrounded by love for your baby and a loving partner.

This is why having mom friends — or at least friends who are willing to put in the effort to understand and stick by you — is so important. The right friendships remind you that you’re still you, even in this new season of life, and they make the hard days feel a little less lonely.

The Friendship Shift

Pre-Mom Life vs. Post-Mom Life: Late nights out, spontaneous plans, long phone calls vs. short text check-ins, early bedtimes, survival.

Why Friendships Fade:

• Different phases of life: while you are enjoying your motherhood journey, others are still enjoying their single life.
• Lack of Understanding: those that don’t have children will never truly understand what it is like. The effort you are putting in now, although it appears to be less than before, it is also more challenging than before. You might feel frustrated that what you are doing isn’t being seen, your friends may feel the effort isn’t enough.
• Time Constraints & Emotional Exhaustion: you now have a little person that dictates your entire schedule. You have short windows of time between naps and feedings but you can’t simply pick up and go whenever you want anymore. The exhaustion you feel is unlike anything you have ever felt before.
• Feeling Forgotten: you may feel like no one checks in on you anymore. Friends aren’t inviting you places or asking you how you are doing.

You may have feelings of grief, loneliness, frustration or even resentment. Normalize these feelings. It’s normal to grieve the life you had before your baby while also loving your new life. It’s ok to be frustrated that your friends aren’t coming around like they used to. Although sad it is important to normalize this feeling and know you aren’t the first mom to have gone through this.

The Importance of Mom Friends

Mom friends provide a safe space to expres

• Shared Understanding – they just get it. They understand the chaos, sleepless nights, constant exhaustion and mental load.
• No Explaining Needed – you don’t need to worry if you have to cancel plans. They get it. Babies get sick, they have meltdowns and bad days. Mom friends won’t take it personally.
• Unconditional Support – if you need to vent at 2am, they are likely awake and ready to vent too. Play dates, sharing parenting tips. They are up for it all.
• Community – they help you feel seen and less isolated. They understand how you are feeling and probably feel that way too. This helps to provide comfort in the hard moments.

Friends Who Stick By You

The rare ones. The pre-mom friends that put in the effort to embrace this new phase of life. Even if they don’t fully understand.

What “Effort” looks like:

• Checking in
• Being flexible about plans
• Inviting you even if they know you might not be able to attend everything
• Celebrating you child with you, asking about how your child is doing

Friends like this are so incredibly important. They are the ones that grow with you, and make you feel like you are someone besides just a “mom”. They help you to feel supported and loved in times where you are overwhelmed.

I have a friend that when I found out I was pregnant, she researched exactly what she would need to do in order to help me feel supported as I transitioned into my new role as a mom. She knew that it would take work for us to remain friends, and our friendship would naturally look different. She’s has been up for the challenge and supported me each step of the way. If I’m overwhelmed she jumps into action and asks how she can help. If I need a babysitter she’s ready to come play with my little one. If I need girl time she’s ready to help me plan something. She’s also the first person I reach out to if I have any downtime. I am constantly letting her know how much I appreciate this, and making sure she feels supported as well. These are the friends that are true gems.

How to Nurture the Right Friendships

• Communicate Your New Reality – try to let your friends know what you need (and what you don’t need). Don’t give up until you have expressed how you are feeling. Give them a chance to step up to the plate.
• Be Honest – tell them that you are overwhelmed right now but you still care about them.
• Make Space – try to set aside time, even if it’s just small moments. Voice memos, phone calls, and coffee dates.
• Release Friendships Gracefully – it’s ok to outgrow friendships, and it’s healthy to let go if it’s not “filling your cup” anymore. Learn to do this without bitterness.

In life friendships will come and go. Some change and evolve, and sometimes we let go of old friendships just for new ones come to take their place. This is all part of life. If you are going through a phase of growth right now, be patient and remember that this is all normal.

If you have struggled with changes in your relationships since becoming a mom comment below. Let’s support each other and create a community where moms can vent, share tips, and know that they are not alone.